Sound Track to My Life -- Part I
03.29.10 (4:10 pm) [edit]As I sit here and type, I'm surrounded by boxes. Lots of them. My house is half packed...and it sucks. Now, don't get me wrong...I am VERY HAPPY to be moving...but...I am not so happy to be packing...moving...and then unpacking all of it again. That's the part that sucks!
But, while I'm packing...I have the radio cranked, listening to all sorts of crazy things... It amazes me that a song can evoke such strong memories and feelings. Especially for me... My memory is swiss cheese thanks to a car accident a few years ago. But there are songs, that will still throw me back to a point in my life, and I could swear I was there...
For example:
Baby, Baby -- Amy GrantThe history: My mom never let us listen to the radio in the car...EVER. But, when we did, it was always on Star 102.5 -- a contemporary mix of 80's, 90's and today -- One day, in the car, the Baby Baby song came on...and my mom started belting out the words... It was hysterical! Not because she was singing -- but because she let loose and had a blast! Listening to the radio was hardly ever allowed...so when she not only listened the the radio, but then belted out the words to the song, it just made it that much better. Plus, my mom and I, never seemed to come in at the right time on that song... ;)
To this day: Whenever I hear that song, it makes me smile... I just remember thinking how cool my mom was...and that she could laugh at herself -- something I think everyone should be able to do.
I love you, Always Forever -- Donna Lewis
The scoop: This was a song that we (Cindy, Krista and I) had the kids dance to at Vacation Bible School when we were working on our Gold Award... I remember it coming on...watching all of the kids at the front of the room, dancing and singing...and having this ridiculous sense of pride and accomplishment.
& nbsp; To this day: I can still do the dance moves...and often times will...in the car when I hear the song on the radio... I also call Krista EVERY single time I hear it. I can't help it. I just have too...
She Bangs -- Ricky Martin
Here's the scene: Canisius College, Early 2000's. Main Humboldt Apartments. My roommate (who I won't rat out intentionally) LOVED Ricky Martin. LOVED. Like, posters on the wall, loved. So, we would BLARE his music and dance around the apartment like maniacs. Dancing on the bed...or chairs...or desks...hell, even tables. Another one of our roommates, would look at us like we were INSANE -- for a whole variety of reasons...but mainly because we were dancing queens to a ridiculous song...
To this day: It makes me smile. I can't help it. It just does.
Loose (Album) -- Nelly Furtado
Background: This CD was VERY popular when I was making my first "big move" for a job (and a boy at the time) to Auburn, NY. I remember listening to the CD over and over and over again (because my car was possessed and would "stick" like that) on my way up to Auburn from Wellsville, NY. I was so excited to be starting a new chapter in my life...and even more so...to feel like ANYTHING was possible (yes, I know that sounds cheesy).
To this day: Every single time I hear the CD, I get those same feelings of excitement, able-to-tackle-anything, fun!
Kiss, Kiss -- Chris Brown
The story: I was lucky enough to have Martine, a foreign exchange student, stay with me for a year. She was (and still is) addicted to American music...especially when there is a good lookin' man singing... Well, Chris Brown fell into that category. I will NEVER FORGET the first time I heard this song with her...she was singing along...and we were in the car going who knows where... When T-Pain starts singing "you so hot-hot-hot-hot" and Martine breathes heavily for every "hot"... It CRACKED ME UP! I loved it...
& nbsp; To this day: It makes me laugh... I can't help remembering her crazy Norwegian ways...and missing her like CrAzY!
Riot! (Album) -- Paramore; Everything in Transit (Album) -- Jack's Mannequin; Apologize -- One Republic; Only by the Night (Album) -- Kings of Leon;
Past: Each of these songs or CDs have a special place in my heart... They were all around during/through/after the car accident. Paramore was generally my pissed at the world soundtrack. Jack's Mannequin can bring back some instantly humbling moments for me...One Republic says a lot about what I was feeling...and Kings of Leon was there when I finally started to be OK with who I had to become...
To this day: I can listen to each of those songs...and think of only one thing...how proud I am for where I am now...and what I had to go through in order to make it here. It's been one hell of a ride!
The Luckiest -- Ben Folds
To the future: This is a song that my boyfriend made me listen too because he swore that it summed us up...and I agree. We both had to go through a few things to get to where we are...and I wouldn't change a single one of "those" things... I learned a lot from each of them...and grew more as a person... And, when we met, I was ready to fall in love.
To this day: When I hear the song, it gives me warm fuzzies... It just makes me think about all the things that we have to look forward too...and I can't help but day dream about the future that we have...together...
My list of songs could go on and on forever...so this may be a multi-part blog. But, let me end with us...
I am incredibly thankful that songs can trigger memories for me -- memories that are crystal clear, felt like it happened yesterday, can almost feel it, memories. I don't have a whole lot of those left...so those that I do...I hold near and dear.
Sucked into the past...
03.08.10 (9:11 pm) [edit]So...today was not a fun day... Mainly, because I decided to fall back into the past and have to figure my way out of it today. Here's the story...
Weather in NY is unpredictable. Today, the temps reached the low 50's...even though there are huge piles of snow, a few feet tall. I actually opened my sun roof on my way home...
And that is when I got sucked into the past...
It sounds ridiculous...and typing it makes me feel ridiculous too. But, the weather that we had today, brought back VIVID memories of my car accident...and I was instantly sick to my stomach, with ice cold, clammy hands...
Now, before this little trek down memory lane, I was planning on doing a lot of errands after school...involving driving all around town and other bordering towns, in order to complete them all. But, after starting to feel this way...I thought..."Am I sure I want to do them? I can find some other time this week...even though I have tutoring two nights this week, a walk through on Wednesday and all of these errands need to be done by Friday morning"... Yeah -- not so sure what I was thinking there... Other than fear.
I think it bothered me more today to know that I was willing to put my life on hold in order to not have to drive -- in the beautiful weather & sun, which, I have to admit, we rarely see in NY around this time of year... That the fear of the beautiful weather, the mounds of snow, the flash backs of the accident, and the gut wrenching memories that came after all of that -- was going to win. That it was going to keep me from living my life.
So...I realized a few things today.
1.) I haven't lost my "spunk". This whole fear today, made me want to beat it...so I drove around...all afternoon (some of which was in tears...or yelling...) but, I drove. And it didn't matter that the snow was here, or the weather was nice, or the sun roof was open... I survived the drive.
2.) I have the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ask for. When I talked to him, and attempted to explain what I was feeling (trying not to sound like the complete whack job I felt like)...he knew that I just needed to do this...and that I wasn't going to go home until I was in a better place... So, he said what he needed to say (which, was pretty damn close to the exact thing that I needed to hear)...and got off the phone with me, so I could get back to my driving.
3.) That after 3 years (almost), I still have a lot of hurdles that I need to clear... and I know now, more than ever, that I am surrounded by the right people. :)
It's been awhile...
01.13.10 (8:13 pm) [edit]It's been a long while since I've written...
There are lots of reasons for that...but the main one was that I have been feeling really good. I started writing this blog when I just needed a way to express anything and everything that I was thinking/feeling at that very moment. Lots was going on in my life - I was working my way through injuries, insurance companies, lawyers and doctors...lots and lots of doctors...and even more treatments, tests, pricks and scans.
For those of you who have followed my sporadic blogging...I was in a car accident a few years ago that caused some pretty good damage. On October 13th of this year, I had a spinal cord stimulator put into my back, to help with the pain...and from the moment they turned it on, I've been feeling better. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm still in pain...I still have hard days...I still can't always wear socks (or even shoes for that matter). But - over all, I have been feeling pretty damn good.
But today I realized today that I miss blogging... I missed being able to just say whatever it is that is on my mind and think that someone has read it and understands, gets a good giggle from my randomness, or just heard whatever it was that I was thinking...
Because sometimes...no matter how much you love the people around you...you just need a random strangers comment to make things seem better...
:)
April 30th has been a hard day...
04.30.09 (10:58 pm) [edit]...but this year...it was a little easier...
Today is the two year anniversary of the car accident that flipped everything that I knew, upside down. I didn't sleep a whole lot last night...just tossing and turning, thinking about how things have worked out since that day...
As I type this...I'm laying in bed...thinking about the last two years of my life... Two years ago today...I was driving home from work, with the radio playing, the sun roof open, trying to decide what to grill for my live-in boyfriend and I for dinner...when a kid blew a stop sign and changed everything. I remember stupid, little things about that night... I remember argueing that I needed my shoes, that I had to have them. I remember being pulled out of my car... I remember the moment that I realized I couldn't move anything... I remember the blades from helicopter swooshing over me as they slide me in for my flight to the hospital. I remember the look on my boyfriend's face when he saw me...and the look on my mom's face when she walked in... I also remember the doctors/nurses and EMT's telling me that walking was not going to be an option for me any longer...
But, I didn't listen...
A year ago, I was in a much better place...although it was still a scary place... The accident really tested my strength...but also the strength, friendship and love of those around me. When things like this happen, they don't just effect one person...it's much more like a ripple in a pond... Because of these "ripples", relationships were strained, stress mounted and things changed. A year ago, I was a single girl who had just gone back to work full time...and was exhausted, beat, and hurt like hell...
But, I never lost my spunk...
This year is different... I've been working the whole year (minus the week between "there is nothing else we can do for you" and Cleveland Clinic) -- which is a first since I started at this district. There are days when I'm exhausted and in bed by 4:30 in the afternoon...but they are just that...days... Not weeks, or months...Days. My friends, are those people who understand, support, push, and aren't afraid of tears, determination, venting, hardwork, or me. Those who couldn't take the hardships, are gone...replaced by those who could...
And I'm still going...
I know that I have many, many years to go...but after surviving my second "anniversary", I know that every year from here is going to be a piece of cake...
I do have the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for...and they aren't going to let me forget that I can take on anything for a single second...
Which is why I love each and every one of them... <3
Dating Advice from a Fifth Grader
04.06.09 (8:02 pm) [edit]So, we are putting on a play for the kids at school. Basically, the play has a bunch of well known characters from books, Cinderella, King Arther, Paul Bunyon...you get the point.
Now, I need to set the scene for you... Picture about 8 teachers...reading lines from a play...each of us playing a different book -- with hard cover book parts as part of our costumes. Well, we are all in charge of getting our own costumes (minus the book covers, our very artistic librarian is taking care of those for us), so I've been on a mad search for a Cinderella type dress... I sent out a mass email entitled "To the Women of NRE" (although, I did get a few emails from the men...asking what made me think they didn't have any dresses that might work) looking for old prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, etc. Boy, did I get some...
The first dress that I was given was from a woman whose daughter wore this dress in the late seventies/early eighties. Picture, light pink (see thru), with little white, fuzzy hearts all over it, a satin ribbon belt, bit poofy lace sleeves...picturing it? Make it ten times uglier...and that's the dress. :) I should say that...because I'm sure that back in the day, it was a popular dress...but today, it's just entertaining... So...I put this dress on, only to find out that we can't zip it...
So, the search begins again. Now, I heard that the High School had a great costume department...so I was put into contact with the woman in charge up there... I stopped by this morning to go "through the closet" to see what I could find. Well, I found it.. the perfect, PINK, poofy sleeved, butt bowed, dress -- that I can zipper over my hips and boobs. :)
I snag the dress and head back over to our building. Now the dress is hanging over a hanger (folded in half), hanging on the wall in my room.
One of the girls, comes in for recess and is asking me about the dress. She has this look of confusion/disgust on her face...and just keeps asking me, "You are going to wear that?!?!" I kept telling here that I was...but only on Thursday afternoon (which is when the play is) and she comes over to me...puts her hand on my shoulder and says -- "Miss Plowe, I was always trying to figure out why you didn't have a husband. Now I know. You wear dresses like that out?!?! No wonder no one wants to marry you! You have to wear better clothes than that! Even your school clothes are better than that dress (with a look of disgust on her face)! You need some serious wardrobe help!".
At that point, I burst into laughter... I couldn't help it!
Once I pulled myself together, I did fill her in -- making sure she knew that I would NEVER wear that dress (or anything like it) out in public...ever.
But, I will forever hold her dating advice close to my heart...
If only it were that easy... ;)
Gotta love kids...
Fire! Fire!
03.18.09 (9:43 pm) [edit]As I sit here and type this...my hands are still shaking...my bed is soaking wet...and I'm actually still kind of freakin' out!
Almost every night, I sleep with a heating pad...this is just to take some of the pain/discomfort away when I first lay down. Some nights I can tolerate it on my foot...others it helps my back. Well, tonight -- just like every other night for the last year and a half -- I walked over to the bed, turned on the heating pad..and left my bedroom to go brush my teeth. Only tonight...things didn't quite go as usual...
When I get back into my bedroom, I can smell this gross, sickening smell...and look over at my bed to see this little cloud of rising from my heating pad. I immediatly run over to the outlet, and unplug the thing...and throw it on the floor (why I thought that was a good idea...I'm not quite sure...my bedroom is carpeted). There is a bottle of water sitting on my nightstand from this morning...and I instinctivly open it up and dump it on my bed...covering my favorite pillow...the sheets...everything...
I did get the heating pad to stop smoking...and there is a nice little hole in that...and my pillow...and pillow case...and sheets... But, thankfully...I didn't burn the house down...OR give myself a singed body part!
I'm telling you...I couldn't make this shit up! This is my life...
I can't imagine being a fire man and running INTO a burning building... I give them credit...I could NEVER do that -- nor do I ever want to do that! High five to the fire man of the world!
Pointing fingers...
03.11.09 (8:45 pm) [edit]Have you ever sat down to reevaluate your life?
This sounds horrible...but I am usually pretty content with my life until someone else points out a "problem". I don't understand that... I just don't understand why someone else feels the need to point fingers, making you feel miserable about your accomplishments/attitude/ feelings/beliefs/etc., when in reality, it's their own accomplishments/attitude/ feelings/beliefs/etc. that they are upset with.
As random and screwed up as my life now is...I wouldn't trade it for anything. This "new" life has made me realize a whole lot -- some good...and some not-so-good. But all in all, I've learned a lot.
So...as I sit here thinking about my life...I thought I'd share my little "life lessons"...
1. Real friends are hard to find...but when you find them, they make the world better. I'm talking about the kind of friends you can call at 3 am on a school night to tell them that you just found pop rocks at this gas station in Allegany county...and instead of being mad, they are just as excited about the damn pop rocks as you are.
2. Nothing beats family. There may be times when the drive you to drink...but no matter what happens...they will ALWAYS be there to rescue you. Even when you don't think you need rescuing...
3. Love hurts. No matter how you want things to work...no matter how much you wish it to be...sometimes fate has another plan.
4. You never know if tomorrow will come...so instead of saying "I'll get to it" or "One of these days" you need to say "Let's go" and "Right now"...
5. It really is the little things in life... For me, those little things are silly to most. Wearing socks. Walking up stairs. Not popping medications hourly. Teaching. Wiggly toes. Independence.
6. Life isn't fair. Sometimes you are dealt cards that just don't seem right... And when that happens you have two choices... go all in or fold. I'm a go all in kinda girl... I didn't know that until I was forced into that situation...and sometimes I'm fighting every minute of every day...but I still fight. Because...what's the alternative? Giving up is not an option for me.
7. Hatred gets you nowhere. Sure...sometimes it's great to fuel that fire...and get you over that next hurdle...but, most of the time it just eats you alive. Hating is easy...forgiving takes courage.
I won't bore you with the other 82 I have bouncing through my mind right now... For me, it's enough to know that my life is just that...MY life. And no matter how many ups or downs...bumps or bruises...broken hearts...or tears...I have to go through...I'm just happy to be around to go through it all...